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| I totally forgot that I had this until about 2 hours ago when I was reading old e-mails. Wow I can't believe how time just flies by. I was reading all of my old posts and i realized how angry I used to be. But not without good reason. And the reason: the male race. Everything about them is impossible to understand and intolerable to be around. But yet, I find myself in an almost year long relationship with the guy who has broken my heart (although not intentionally) the most in my life. He is perfect. I honestly would have never believed that he would be this great for me but we are like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. And it's wierd becasue I have been in a crazt frenzy of love with him since I was a wee freshman in college. And now that I am off to college in about 10 days, I can't begin to picture my life without him. It's crazy. And even though I lost all my "friends" becasue I have Ryan....I DON'T CARE!!!! hahaha it feels so good to put that out where people can know it. I dont care. Those people were mean and bad influences and now that I have such a positive and reassuring force in my life I believe that i am possible of anything. And lets not forget the friends that I do have. Megan, Genna, Lisa, you guys are great. It's not a party unless I have one of you there to just talk shit or make fun of the dumb things people say or do. Especially you Lisa, you are hilarious. I hate being at parties without you because I can't really stand all the other girls anyway and Ryan gets a little to crazy. I'm leaving my life here on August 26th to move into a tiny dorm room with a person that I have never met before. I'm leaving my home, my family, my bed, my boyfriend, and my friends. God. How scary does that sound. I feel like it was yesterday that I first walked into the doors of Andrean Highschool, and having that feeling that OMG I AM IN HIGH SCHOOL!!! but trust me it quickly fled with the pressure of good grades. The the next checkpoint was becomeing a senior and ruling the school. Only I find myself now at the bottom of the barrel again. But hey. LISTEN!!! That's life. No one ever starts out on top. We are born babies, we have to grow up to be the big bad 8th graders. The back to the beginning and being a freshman, the slowly and painfully rising to the top to be seniors. Now I am a freshman again and after that I'll be starting my career. And you guessed it.....at the bottom. But it's okay. Thats how we as people learn. That's how we grow. Actually, that's how we have to grow. Becasue wheather we want it to or not...life is going forward without us. So we can constantly live in the past, or accept that life goes on...and we have to as well otherwise we will be lost and lonely in a futureless past. | | |
| i liked you so much, and u really don understnad the effects that u have on me, your just hurting me so much right now. and i dont even knoe y? i knoe that your lying to me, i jsut know u are, stop trying to rub irt in my face because it really isnt sumthing that u should be proud of...and u knoe that u and her and never going to have what we did. and im so mad that i have to convince myself to not want to be with u, but u knoe i do,your making my life hell, i havent eaten in the last 12 hours and all i do is sleep, thank you so much for messing up my life. thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love and thank you for finally making me see that u dont care about me..thank you.im not joking when i say that i hate you...i hate you so MUCH...you dont even understand, andd knoeing u u prlly dont even care nemore. u have no idea what ur putting me thru. its so hard...you dont even understand...and so this is my goodbye.. goodbye to u, goodbye to what we were, and goodbye to whatever we could have been. thank you for turning my life upside down...i jsut hate u right now...and go ahead say u dont care, cuz i knoe you dont, and i knoe that u havent. u wonder y i dont trust u...i dont trust u because u lie to me u son of a bitch...i hate you....i wouldnt even mind seeing u get hurt. i would look at u and laugh and say that u deserve it...becuase u do....god i fucking hate u...i dont even want u in my life nemore goodbye u god damn son of a bitch | | |
| i jsut watched john tucker must die..and i realized i want a scott tucker. i mean how could u not, when kate is tlking to him its jsu so easy...y cant u ever find that in real life? haha that so sucks | | |
| ugh haha life so sucks... i am so not better, haha i dont care what ppl tell me. Are people really that stupid that they cant notice and act when they see one i mean come on what is this shit? haha and he of all people should know me better than that i mean i even tld him that its all an act and hes all like ohh well u seem better today..haha prolly pissed him off again. well u knoe what im not srry that you cant read me beacuse ur a fucking dumbass..god dont even tlk to me i hate you..like i hate you with every ounce of who i am, i hate you hate you hate you!!! i cant believe that ur so fucking retarded..i hope u fucking throw ur life away for her...go get shit faced and get in the car with her and drive into a pole. fuck u and ur stupid mind games im not gonna put up with it nemore..you caused all this with ur stupid blame game and ur neglect...so you knoe wat all i have to say to u.. is thanks for caring...THANK YOU FOR FUCKING CARING!! so u know what..its ur fault...all totally completly ur fault..dont blame it on me..u didnt care enough to be there for me...haha shut up. | | |
| high school it can pretty much be summed up in a few words: stressful, upsetting, random, and amazing..its such a mixed group of feelings. haha its stressful with all the work, upsetting with all the ppl, random with the things that pop up, and amazing for the ones who are there with u no matter what u say or how u act, the ones that will stick up for u, and love you for who u are. and the depressing thing is, is that there arent many ppl like that in the world today. I mean we are living in a world run by the media...haha its ridiculous i mean look at how much ppl willl pay for popularity, i think its stupid, but i cant help but be drawn in. i guess we jsut have to go with what we think is right, even if it might be hard, but like i said we will always have the ones there with us when we need them the most and they will never let you down, but that doesnt mean that you wont let other ppl down becasue i knoe that i have elt a few ppl down in my time...haha i say that like im 100, but really loooking back on my 16 years, well actually its like my 12 years because i dont rreally remember wat i did when i was 4. Life is hard. get used to it, people will talk about you, people will hate you for no reason, but even with those bad things, people will love you, and the greatest thing youll ever learn, is jsut to love and be loved in return...haha thats a quote from Moulin Rouge...one of the best movies ever. but if you really look at the words you might be able to understand what they mean, and its not jsut with love, its with anything. we learn so much out of all the situations that we go through everyday, and thats jsut part of what makes us unique,...the way we handle them. " The things that we regret in life are not the things we did or said, but the things we didnt say. The things that you didnt say that would save someone" ---Lucas Scott One Tree Hill | | |
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